MAY
11
WHO NEEDS A MOM WHEN YOU'RE A STAR?
Most people will spend May 13th calling their moms and pretending to care about what they have to say. But not my clients.
Nope, my stars haven’t seen their moms since they were suckling cubs and I’ve never heard a single complaint (not even when we take the muzzles off). Talk about work ethic, am I right? The Dentler menagerie is so inspiring.
Posted at 2:55 PM by Devon Dentler
PETA STRIKES AGAIN
MAR
29
APR
3
AN EXCERPT FROM MY UPCOMING BOOK
CHAPTER 66: EVEN STARS MUST FALL
Unfortunately the “cigar incident” was just the beginning of Gola’s problems. I still remember the day he became “unmanageable.”
It was right after “She’s Bananas,” the cult classic where Gola played himself and his twin sister. I arrived at the training facility, new script in hand, but was greeted with a hyperactive, tantrum-throwing diva. Was this my loveable chimp?
“It’s hopeless. We’ve tried everything,” one of the trainers told me. Indeed, I looked around his cage and saw baseball bats, sticks, even a cattle prod – all the weapons Gola used to fight his coaches off.
I immediately suspected drugs; let’s not forget that Gola’s mom died of an overdose and he came to Hollywood to make her proud. How ironic that his refuge would become his downfall.
But I wouldn’t let my favorite client descend into madness without a fight — at least not while his sponsorship deals were still earning me royalties. So I called my assistant, who called a vet, who called a “primatologist.”
Yeah, I know a BS title when I see one. That’s why, in the interest of my client, I did what I do best: convince.
“But how can he be depressed? Look at that smile. I just got his teeth whitened last week.”
Her response? “That’s not a smile. It means he’s afraid. Chimps rarely show their teeth in the wild.”
“Well maybe he should take more parts so he can afford a vacation.” As you know, Gola was picky.
The Ape Whisperer, however, refused to see my logic. She even went so far as to claim that the coaches were wielding the weapons. In her fantasy land, chimpanzees trainers in Hollywood always use abusive techniques behind the scenes.
Of course, you and I know better.
Want more? Look out for my upcoming best-seller: “Conversations with Gola: Primate to Prime Agent.”
Posted at 3:46 PM by Devon Dentler
First they try to take wild animals out of Hollywood. Now they're trying to take wild animal agents off Twitter. Oh yes. I know it was you.
But it's not going to work. My account will rise again, like a bear whose paws are burned until he stands on his hind legs.
This I swear.
Dentler out.
Posted at 7:46 PM by Devon Dentler
MAR
26
THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM
In case you haven’t heard, a third horse died on the set of "Luck" last week, forcing HBO to cancel the series. Hate to say I told you so, but some species aren't cut out for this town.
Fortunately, here at Devon Dentler’s Wild Animal Artist Representation Incorporated, we have plenty of clients who are more than happy to take Hollywood’s abuse.
Just picture: "Luck" re-imagined in ancient Carthage, with Hoffman trying to wrestle control of an elephant racetrack. But in the season finale, his favorite pachyderm gets recruited for the war against Rome.
I just gave myself goosebumps. You reading this, Milcher?
Dentler out.
Posted at 4:14 PM by Devon Dentler
MAR
19
PETA vs. PETWAA (PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF WILD ANIMAL AGENTS)
If a certain organization gets their way, my livelihood will be at risk. Endangered, if you will. Because for whatever reason, PETA is claiming that "Hollywood is no place for wild animals."
Don't make me LOL. Let's examine their so-called "evidence."
